


When All Else Fades

by unbidden_truth



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Revealed, Past Relationship(s), Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2014-05-01
Packaged: 2018-01-20 08:44:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1504100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unbidden_truth/pseuds/unbidden_truth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur didn't think there was more he could lose after banishing Gwen. But revelations are tricky things and the truth that was important at first glance wasn't the one that mattered in the end.  Ambiguously set in early S4.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When All Else Fades

**Author's Note:**

  * For [clotpoleLis (plantainleaf)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantainleaf/gifts).
  * Inspired by [When All Else Fades](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/47771) by clotpolelis. 



> Thank you to my lovely artist, [clotpolelis](clotpolelis.livejournal.com) for bearing with all my procrastination and being wonderfully supportive. I had a wonderful time working with you! Please check out her lovely [artwork](http://clotpolelis.livejournal.com/255294.html) that inspired this fic! Also thank you, thank you to [chosenfire28](chosenfire28.livejournal.com) for running such a fantastic fest and for the extra amnesty! Also thank you to my dear P, who gave this a quick glance through even if she's never seen the show and endured all the schmoopy angst.

“We're lost, aren't we?”

 

“We’re not lost Merlin.  We’re going in the right direction,” Arthur said exasperatedly as he paused to survey his surroundings, “We just have to keep walking down this path.”

 

The leaves crunched loudly beneath their feet as they slowly walked down a half-beaten trail.  Every few seconds, Arthur heard Merlin languorously breathing behind him and the worry he might have been hurt from the fight earlier made him itch to check up on Merlin.  Trying not to be obvious, Arthur shifted to glance back but stumbled as Merlin nearly walked into him.

 

“That tree, didn’t we pass that earlier?”

 

Arthur turned, needing to duck to avoid hitting his head on a low-hanging branch.  It _was_ familiar.  He swore under his breath when he saw the familiar mark etched onto the bark.  One that he had marked earlier with a knife in hopes that the knights would see it.

 

“I think we went past this way already,” Merlin continued, as he leaned down, hands clutching at his side.  Again the worry reared it’s head, but Arthur wasn’t sure if Merlin would tell him the truth even if he did ask.

 

"Are you okay?"

 

"I already told you, I'm fine.  Besides you should worry about the fact that we're lost ."

 

Glancing back at the tree and as much as he didn’t want to agree,  Merlin was right.   This was maybe the third or fourth time they had walked past that oak tree.  Arthur wasn’t too sure---he had lost count awhile back.

 

“We aren't lost,” Arthur repeated irritably as he resisted the urge to look back at Merlin as he continued up the trail past the tree.  Even without looking, Arthur knew the expression that was on Merlin’s face.  

 

They've been wandering on the trail for the past three hours. And by now they should have come across rest of the knights. Somehow they had become separated from everyone when the bandits had waylaid them.  The skirmish had forced them to move away from the group. Arthur had ended up chasing down one of the men further away from the fight.  Merlin, who had been told several times to stay back followed him.  The bandit had been a better tracker than Arthur and within the hour they had lost track of him.  But by that time they had managed to lose everyone else as well.

 

It was supposed to have been just a routine hunt. Merlin had been pestering him for months and Arthur had finally, albeit grudgingly, agreed when Merlin said he was acting like a lovelorn fool. The hunt had seemed like a good idea. Arthur couldn't remember the last time, he was happy to be out in the sun, being with the knights, and listening to Merlin's grumbling. Since before Guinevere had left.

 

 _Gwen-_ Arthur frowned. Thinking of Gwen reminded him of things he didn't want to think about even as the sharp ache of loss that seemed to have been lodged somewhere in his chest ever since he had exiled Gwen flared.

 

It had been almost a year--- _nine months and three days_ , his mind helpfully supplied since that day he let her go. And still the pain was as sharp as it was then.

 

Shaking his head, he waited for Merlin, who had been suddenly quiet the past half an hour, to catch up.  Uneasily Arthur shifted as he surreptitiously glanced at Merlin .  One of the men had managed to swipe a hit at Merlin before Arthur could take him down.  When he had tried to look at the cut Merlin had waved him off. 

 

The sun was setting low beyond the forest and the temperature was starting to drop quickly. Arthur shivered as another gust of wind blew, his armor doing little to protect him from the bitter cold.

 

Glancing back towards Merlin, hunched over miserably, right hand pressed to his left side, Arthur paused, “How are you holding up?”

 

“Fine,” came the terse reply.

 

“We'll see if we can find a cave or at least an overhanging rock so we can rest for the night. At the least it'll protect us from the wind.”

 

Merlin didn't respond and Arthur glanced back again, brows furrowed, just in time to see Merlin stumble.

 

Grabbing him before he fell down, Arthur steadied him as Merlin winced. Arthur frowned as he stepped back, shocked as he stared down at his hands sticky with blood

 

Looking sharply at Merlin, he crouched low, “Idiot, you said you were fine.”

 

“It's only a small scratch.”

 

“A little scratch! The right side of your tunic is completely soaked in blood.”

 

Merlin let out a hiss of pain as Arthur tried to gently look over the wound, “It's not as bad as it looks.”

 

“Merlin, you're barely able to walk much less stand,” Arthur said, angry as he stood up, “We should probably break for camp anyway.  And this,” he continued gesturing to the the clump of trees, “should be good for the night.”

 

While Merlin staggered down to sit on on a fallen log, Arthur managed to get the fire going before tearing several strips of fabric from his cape. They had little water, the flagon nearly empty and the best Arthur could do was bandage the wound.

 

“If it was daytime, I would make you pick some herbs,” Merlin mused as he compliantly let Arthur bandage him.

 

Arthur was ready to snap back, but paused. Merlin was too pale even in the growing dark, his forehead beading with sweat with what Arthur was beginning to think was fever despite the cold.

 

“You would enjoy that, wouldn't you,” he said instead, taking off his cloak to wrap around Merlin, “Figures you would like to order people around.”

 

Merlin sputtered indignantly, “Says the King prat himself.”

 

“Hey!” but Arthur didn't press further, because if only for a minute some color had come back to Merlin's cheeks.

 

After a few minutes, Merlin shifted, “I'm glad, you know.”

 

“You're glad?” Arthur asked incredulously.

 

“Well not the whole getting lost and stabbed part. But this. I didn't think I would miss hunting with you, but I did.”

 

He gaped at him for a minute before recovering.

 

“You know what that means, right?” Arthur asked amused.  

 

“I know,” Merlin said, resignation evident in his voice even as his lips curved up.

 

It was strange. Arthur couldn't remember the last time he and Merlin had teased back and forth. The past year had been a blur of kingly duties and trying to avoid marriage alliances the council kept throwing at him. But being here in the woods, huddled against the fire, perhaps a little cold and worried ( _but when did Merlin not worry him?_ ) was something Arthur didn't know he missed, until now.

 

::::

 

The sudden quietness of early morning bird song was what woke Arthur to the intruders. The voices sounded familiar and with a growing sense of alarm, he woke Merlin.

 

Covering Merlin's mouth before he could say anything, he said quietly, “The bandits.”

 

He nodded his head in understanding and Arthur pulled away his hand. “Stay behind me. And if you see a break, run for it.”

 

Merlin frowned and leaned in close to argue.  Before he could a word in edgewise Arthur covered his mouth again.

 

“You’re injured,” Arthur said angrily, pitching his voice low, “For once, can’t you not listen to me?.”

 

Merlin glared at him but when it looked like he wouldn't argue with him, Arthur moved, pulling his sword free.

 

The first bandit dropped like a fly when Arthur came up behind him, the second fell with a loud scream. Then it was mad chaos.   Much to Arthur's chagrin, a minute later Merlin was no longer behind him. There were too many of them, and for a moment Arthur thought that this was it. That maybe Death had caught up to him after all.

 

There was a loud _whoosh_ , and suddenly one of the men slammed against a tree while another tumbled.

 

In midst of it all, Merlin stood, hands poised in the air, his face resolute.

 

 _Idiot, just what does he think he's doing?_ Arthur tried to fight his way to Merlin's side, but there were too many of them.

 

Between the trees, Arthur stared as Merlin's eyes turned gold. As strange words fell from Merlin's lips, the bandits flew across the air, hitting branches before falling to the ground knocked unconscious.

 

 _He has---magic_ , Arthur recoiled. _He lied. All this time. And I thought I could trust him._ Merlin glanced at him, and Arthur was taken aback by the fear and sadness he saw in those unnaturally gold eyes.

 

Too stunned to move, Arthur watched as Merlin took care of rest of the bandits quickly with the strange harsh words and hands moving.

 

He finally found his voice as he watched in horror as one of the bandits snuck up behind Merlin, “Merlin! Watch out!”

 

For a second he thought Merlin had avoided the attack. Merlin had ducked and again with strange words the bandit had flown back, slamming against a tree before dropping with a loud thud.

 

Merlin turned again, his eyes wide with terror as he stared at Arthur before falling.

 

Arthur blamed it on instinct that he managed to reach Merlin before he hit his head on something.

 

Even as anger, betrayal and fear ( _from Merlin? for Merlin?_ ) made him feel lightheaded. Arthur clutched Merlin close as he noticed that Merlin had not been lucky: the bandit had gotten him across the shoulder.  While the cut wasn't deep, Arthur didn't think any more blood loss would help.  Merlin's shallow breathing only confirmed Arthur's fears.

 

Merlin looked up at him, blinking at him confusedly, “Are you okay? You're not hurt are you?”

 

Arthur's heart twisted at the concern.

 

“Dammit, Merlin! I told you not to get involved in the fights.”

 

“I had to protect you. I promised I would.”

 

“I can protect myself,” Arthur retorted angrily as he pulled Merlin closer.  He was worried despite telling himself that he should be angry at how cold Merlin felt to touch.

 

“No you can't.” But before he could say anything, Merlin reached up, hand stilling when Arthur flinched back.

 

Voice defeated, “You saw.” And for some inexplicable reason, despite his anger and fear, it made Arthur want to reach down and reassure Merlin.

 

“Who wouldn’t see the hands waving around, people flying into trees and the fact that your eyes turned gold,” Arthur muttered, fingers clenching against Merlin’s thin tunic as he remembered the sight.

 

“I wanted to tell you.  I always did but---,” Merlin said, his voice ragged, breaking.

 

When Arthur didn't reply, he continued, “I wanted to tell you but I was too scared. But it was all for you, Arthur. All for you. I would've done anything to protect you. I know this won't excuse anything. Just remember--,” Merlin voice cracked, “that I would've never used it against you or Camelot.”

 

“You lied Merlin.  All these years, you lied to me.  And you're a sorcerer.” Arthur said bitterly, closing his eyes briefly as if perhaps he could pretend that this was a dream.  That he had imagined all of this. He felt hollowed out, as if everything inside of him had been scraped out leaving him bleeding.  He looked away from Merlin in anger, trying to make sense of his newfound knowledge.

 

After a few minutes of thought, he asked softly and with a tinge of hurt, “How do you expect me to believe you?  All these years.  You never trusted me.”

 

When there was no response and Arthur glanced down only to see that Merlin was paler still and barely conscious  He had lost so much blood, hidden mostly by his dark clothing.  

 

“Merlin!”

 

Arthur cursed as he shifted Merlin panicking.

 

It took him a few minutes before he could find a shallow pulse, heart beating rapidly he sighed in relief.

 

“You better not die before I deal with you.”

 

His father’s voice about evil sorcerers echoed in his ears, but Arthur ignored it as he wrapped his cloak more firmly around Merlin.  The words his father used to paint sorcerers was so starkly different from the man he held.  It was hard to equate the stories he had heard about terrible sorcerers with Merlin, who looked fragile and breakable in his arms.  Arthur couldn’t imagine Merlin doing the things his father said, but Merlin had lied to him.  Worse, he wasn’t sure if he felt more angry at the betrayal or hurt because Merlin hadn’t trusted him.

 

Even if Merlin was a sorcerer.  Even if there was the chance that he had betrayed Arthur.  That all could wait until they were back in Camelot.

 

Shifting, Arthur lifted Merlin up easily.  

 

Taking a painful swallow at how lightweight Merlin felt, he continued, “What have I told you about being properly fed to be a King's manservant.”

 

In the past Arthur had ended up sharing his meal with Merlin or at least Merlin would’ve grabbed food from his plate, insisting it was because Arthur was gaining weight.  But thinking back in the past year, he couldn’t remember the last time he and Merlin had eaten together.

 

“It’s not my job to make sure you eat.  You should know better than that.”

 

Slowly as he walked carefully through the woods, the minutes had faded into hours and the hours faded into the late afternoon. Arthur lost all sense of time.

 

The sun was beating down on him as he staggered each step, holding Merlin close. Merlin's wounds had reopened and had left a brown residue against Arthur's armour as if a second layer of protection. That was how the rest of the knights found him. If Arthur hadn’t been distracted, he probably would’ve found amusement on the look of horror on his men’s faces.

 

As Leon and Gwaine rushed forward to take Merlin, Arthur flinched back.  The men shared an uneasy look but stepped back.

 

With a few terse comments to help him onto a horse and make haste, it was only the thought of Merlin dying that kept him moving.  Even after the steady objections of rest of the knights to let one of them ride with Merlin, Arthur refused.  He cradled Merlin against his chest as he tried to steady his horse, not sure whether he was protecting Merlin from them or the knights from Merlin.

 

::::

 

Riding back to the castle was a quiet, urgent affair.  He and the knights had pushed their horses to near exhaustion to make it back before nightfall.

 

Once at the castle and allowing Percival and Gwaine to carry Merlin up to Gaius and issuing orders as he staggered down from his horse been almost a whirlwind affair.  But despite the exhaustion, Arthur managed to check up on Merlin.

 

“How is he?”

 

Gaius’s voice was strained as he finished bandaging Merlin, the worry causing the wrinkles on his skin to deepen, “I’m worried, Sire.  I’m not sure if he’ll make it.”

 

With a sharp exhale, Arthur leaned heavily against the table, anger and fear making him stagger, “Do all that you can Gaius.”

 

“Of course, Sire.  But it will do us no good if you passed out here as well,” Gaius said kindly and it took all of Arthur’s last resolve, not to yell at him.  Fingers clenching, Arthur looked at Merlin.  And if it were even possible, but Merlin looked even more fragile than when they were running the horses ragged to get back to Camelot.  It reminded him too much of the time Merlin had nearly died to save him.   _How many times has he saved me without me knowing it?_

 

Nodding to Gaius, Arthur walked slowly back to his chambers.  The anger, but mostly the overwhelming sense of fear and guilt  finally caught  up to him as he fell onto his bed exhausted and into a fitful sleep.

 

::::

 

The next morning Arthur leaned against the door of Gaius' work chambers, torn between checking up on Merlin and not wanting to know how he was doing.

 

As he turned to walk into the room, Gwaine's voice stopped him.

 

“How is he doing?”

 

“The wound is severe, but that's not what I'm worried about.”

 

Arthur tensed as he heard the worry in Gaius' voice.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“After Guinevere left---” Gaius paused and Arthur pushed aside the wave of grief that washed upon him as he heard her name.

 

“You know how the King has been… Merlin's run himself ragged looking after the King for the past few months... I'm not sure if he is strong enough now to heal quickly. And the longer it takes the wound to heal, the greater the chance that he'll get an infection.”

 

“That would be Merlin,” Gwaine said, voice fond, “Sometimes I don't even understand him. If Arthur only knew how much Merlin cared for---”

 

Gaius sighed, “I hope that one day he will.”

 

“He will Gaius.”

 

“Bring me that bucket of hot water will you Gwaine, I need to make more poultice before the day’s up.”

 

Arthur slumped against the door. _It had always been Merlin, hadn't it?_ Arthur wondered, guilt prickling past the feelings of betrayal and anger.  Again he thought about past incidents and wondered when else Merlin had played a role in changing things in his favor.

 

After overhearing Gaius’s and Gwaine’s conversation, it took Arthur several hours, past supper time  before he had the courage to go see Merlin.  Gaius had stepped out for the moment and Percival had nodded to Arthur, clasping him in the arm as he left him alone with Merlin.  

 

Unsure what to do, Arthur pulled up a chair from Gaius’s workroom over.

 

In the hours that he had seen Merlin last, Merlin's skin was even more flushed, cover with a sheen of sweat from the fever. Arthur hesitantly grabbed a washcloth from the table, dipping it into the water basin before bringing it to wipe Merlin's brow.

 

“You idiot, why didn't you tell me?” His fingers shook, and he couldn't tell whether it was from anger or from worry.

 

“You didn't think I would---” He closed his eyes against the image of fear in Merlin's eyes. He still could hear the cries of sorcerers being burned at the stake, the acrid taste of burnt flesh and smoke still too familiar on his tongue.  Things had changed in the past year, but the memories of past burnings were still too vivid.

 

The image of Merlin dying on the very stakes that countless other sorcerers had died--bile rose thick and burning up his throat.  Taking a deep breath, Arthur tried not to think of what could’ve happened if things had been different. _Would I have done the right thing if he had told me the truth from the beginning?_

 

He never thought anything would hurt as much as his father dying or banishing Gwen.  But Merlin had always been the exception.

 

“What the hell are you doing here Merlin? You could've died if someone had found out.”

 

“I'm not my father,” Arthur said haltingly, “I've learned that in the past year that not everything he did was right. And I'm still learning that there's more to everything than I once thought.”

 

“You of all people should know that,” he said softly, his fingers reaching up to brush Merlin's hair to the side.

 

He sat for another hour in the dark once the candle sputtered out, watching carefully as Merlin’s chest rose and fell with every breath.  Each one calming his fears.

 

::::

 

A week, then another passed but Merlin showed no signs of improving.  Arthur found himself pacing near the corridor of Gaius’s rooms whenever he had time away from his duty.  Early evenings were spent slumped on the chair by Merlin’s side.

 

Perhaps more disconcerting than finding George opening his curtains when he blinked his eyes against the streaming morning light that first morning, was the quiet.  After Gwen had left, it had seemed Merlin was determined to fill her absence with clatter about the daily goings around the castle and in the lower city.  The first few days, Arthur found himself pausing as if waiting for Merlin to find him, his ears waiting to hear Merlin’s voice.  Despite his anger, which was slowly waning as days past, he missed Merlin.  He missed Merlin’’s grumbling behind his back at council meetings and the loud clatter that greeted him whenever he found Merlin waiting for him.  Arthur even missed the late breakfast and the messy disarray his rooms were more often than not when Merlin was around.

 

A little over three weeks later, Gaius brought the news that Merlin had awaken, but the sharp look the elder physician gave Arthur when he delivered the news confirmed the suspicions Arthur had-- that Gaius had always known about Merlin’s magic.

 

Arthur didn’t rush immediately to check on Merlin, even though he still found himself pacing in the corridor near Gaius’s chambers. Instead he questioned Gaius about everything he knew about magic.  Adding the other pieces of all the incidents that happened in the past.  Days passed, a week then another, and still Arthur found himself making excuses.  Excuses that were falling flat with rest of the knights, who didn’t understand why Arthur refused to check up on Merlin.  Gwaine constantly harassed him and even Leon was starting to give him disapproving looks.  Each day he would tell himself that he would check.  That today would be the day.  But every time, he would talk himself out of going to see Merlin.  It was as if things would shatter and it was easier to pretend this way.

 

::::

 

It was only because Arthur found himself pacing in the corridor that he saw Merlin, pale and thin-looking, a small knapsack slung over his shoulders.

 

The idea of Merlin leaving.  Fear made him stand still, made it difficult for him to breath before he moved frantically blocking Merlin’s way.

 

Merlin stared at him shock and then fear, and Arthur wanted to step back and pull away, the ache in his chest sharpening.

 

“Where are you going?” Arthur demanded instead, grabbing onto Merlin's arm.

 

“I don't know, back to Ealdor maybe,” Merlin replied, his voice a low rumble and his eyes downcast.

 

“Who says you can leave Merlin?”

 

“You know.”

 

Arthur pushed Merlin against the wall, “Yes, I know. But who said you can leave?” Arthur asked again, angry as he leaned in half wanting to drag Merlin back to his chambers.  After a moment, Merlin finally glanced up at him.

 

“You want to bring me to the stake,” Merlin said resigned, the surety of that statement made Arthur flinch back as if he had been slapped.

 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

 

“The law, it's why I never---”Merlin started but stopped, shrugging his shoulders.

 

“You didn't trust me,” Arthur countered.

 

Merlin shook his head, “No that wasn't it. I didn't want you to have to pick---”

 

“It would have been my choice Merlin. I don't need you to decide--”

 

“But it's my duty to protect you and---”

 

Arthur pulled away, “And what of my duty to protect you?”

 

Merlin looked away, “It doesn't matter now does it? I broke the law.”

 

“And I'm the king.”

 

It takes Merlin a moment or two to understand what Arthur is implying.

 

“But,” he said, his eyes darting across Arthur's face searchingly, “You aren't mad?”

 

“Of course, I'm mad Merlin. Expect double stable mucking duties for the foreseeable future.”

 

“What about---”

 

Arthur rubbed his forehead as he interrupted Merlin, “For how long?”

 

“What?”

 

“How long have you been practicing?”

 

“I was born with it.”

 

“You were born with it?” Arthur asked, eyes widening with disbelief.

 

Merlin frowned at him, “Is that so hard to believe?  You can ask Gaius.”

 

“Yeah, I probably should.  I still can’t believe that he was hiding a sorcerer in plain sight.”

 

Arthur was taken aback by the panic-stricken look that broke across Merlin’s face and the way Merlin’s hands shot out grabbing a hold of his tunic, “He only it did it to protect me Arthur.  It’s all my fault he lied.”

 

Arthur sighed as he looked at Merlin, “I’ve already talked to Gaius.”  Not being able to resist the urge to comfort Merlin.  “He’s not in trouble.  Though he knows better than to do it again.”

 

“But--” Merlin started, face scrunching as if ready to leap into an argument, and something in Arthur’s heart eased at the sight.

 

“But nothing.  There won’t be a need for him to do so in the future.  It has been brought to my attention that there might be certain laws that are in need of thorough revision.”

 

“Certain laws?” Merlin asked, blue eyes widening, voice faltering, “You don’t mean---”

 

“There’s a lot we need to talk about Merlin,” Arthur said instead, not waiting for Merlin to follow him.

 

Merlin followed Arthur into his chambers quietly for once.   When Merlin took a sit at the table, Arthur paused at the wave of relief at the sight.

 

As he looked at Merlin’s expectant face, he could feel some of the tension from the past few months, the past year slowly easing from his shoulders.

 

“Start from the beginning.”

 

::::

 

After that conversation and the many others that followed in the late evenings in the privacy of Arthur's rooms, things started to get back to normal.  The wound on Merlin’s side had healed completely before turning into a pale scar in the months that followed.  As spring faded into summer, Arthur found himself laughing more with the knights despite how heavy the crown sat against his brow.  There were still times, when melancholy would strike him, whenever he thought of his father or Morgan.  Or Gwen, but it was Merlin more often than not that brought him back from the darker edges of his thoughts.  It was almost like before Morgana had changed...and Gwen had left, he sometimes wondered.  And yet, it was much more different.

 

Between the fire the roared to life with a twitch of Merlin's fingers after Arthur had impatiently shouted at Merlin to get on with it and the tension that slowly faded from Merlin's eyes as the gold always did, Merlin seemed to settle back into their old routine with ease.  The odd distance that had always existed between them, the truth about Merlin’s magic was no longer there.  But it had left Arthur feeling slightly off-kilter.

 

At first, he thought it was just the fear of losing someone else close to him. Sometimes there would be dreams of Merlin dying and it took all his willpower not to get up and check on Merlin. Instead he lay in bed, willing his heartbeat to calm down, fist clenching as he tried not to think of Merlin's pale face when he had carried him, almost half dead. The rest of the night was spent half asleep, half-waiting for the clumsy clatter that arrived each morning as Merlin stumbled in to wake him.

 

But the closer he looked, the more he realized that there were pieces of Merlin that he didn't know or perhaps he hadn't paid close attention to know. _Did he always love blackberry tarts?_ Arthur wondered as he pushed his plate away pretending to be finished, saying Merlin could have the rest of his meal. The bright grin Merlin shot him as he munched happily seemed to warm Arthur better than the fire did.

 

There were times when Arthur's breathe would catch. _Were his eyes always that blue? Or is it that tunic that makes them so?_

 

Times for no reason at all, he wanted to shout at Gwaine and challenge him to a joust, whenever he would find him and Merlin laughing over a shared joke sprawled out on the practice field, Merlin's dimple flashing as he tossed his head back.

 

His eyes would seek out Merlin more often than not and it would be disquieting when he was sent on errands for days on end.  Finding Merlin had almost become a second-nature.  Something Arthur never thought about until Leon made an off-handed comment about it one day in the practice field.  Leon had managed to nearly score a point when Arthur had paused mid-defense surprised.  Had he always been able to find Merlin that easily out of a crowd? _I don’t know when that happened._

 

==

There had been nothing special about that day.  During a particularly tiresome evening spent with the council discussing the new grain tax, the suddenly off-kilter world finally made sense.  

 

He and Merlin had shared several commiserating looks when Lord Caradoc kept droning on about every individual tax collected from his holdings.  One comment that came across more as an innuendo made Arthur hide his amusement behind some papers.  He chanced a sidelong glance to Merlin only to see that Merlin was having trouble hiding a similar grin.  Arthur’s grin softened from one of amusement to one of contentment.  The rays of light from the sun hit Merlin’s face at the perfect angle to catch the sparkle of mirth and mischief in his eyes.  His smile---the smile that Arthur had learned in the past few weeks was for him alone, widened with the hint of a dimple breaking out when Merlin caught Arthur’s gaze.

 

 _Oh,_ Arthur thought, smile faltering.

 

Merlin frowned at him and Arthur shook his head, heart sinking.  He turned to look down at his papers, studiously ignoring Merlin for remainder of the council meeting.

 

Arthur was the first one out the door at the end of the meeting.  One of the council members attempted conversation as he walked by him but Arthur quickly made excuses before the man could get a word edgewise.  He focused all his energy on getting out of the enclosed space, not even pausing to risk a glance back to see how much distance he had put between himself and Merlin.  

 

He kept walking until he turned a corner, after which he flat out broke into a sprint to get out of the castle.

 

 _Shit Shit Shit._  Arthur repeated the mantra until he entered the woods behind the castle

 

When he got to a small clearing he fell onto the ground in a boneless heap.  This could not be happening.  

 

“Is something wrong?”

 

Arthur sat up in a crazed panic and stared with dread at the last person he wanted to see at that moment.

 

“How…” he shook his head. _Magic. Right._  “I’m fine. Just need to think.”

 

Merlin tilted his head with a look that clearly said that he wasn’t buying it.

 

“Did something happen?”

 

Arthur sighed.  He stood up slowly, looking everywhere except at Merlin.

 

“Is it me?” Merlin asked, hesitantly.

 

Arthur finally looked up at Merlin to see his concerned and worried face.  The damn rays of sunlight had followed him here again at just the right angle to give Merlin a soft, ethereal glow.   

 

Arthur studied Merlin’s face, searching for anything that would disprove his sudden revelation.  Merlin merely stared back, curiously.  Arthur’s shoulders slumped down in disappointment. There was nothing he could do.  He must just resign himself to his fate.

 

Arthur licked his lips, preparing himself. “I…” He started, his voice coming out strangled.  Merlin’s brows drew together in concentration.  He moved closer to Arthur to better hear him which only caused Arthur to tense up.  Merlin place a hand on his arm to reassure him, “What is it, Arthur?”

 

It took every ounce of willpower that Arthur had to not jerk away from the contact, “Well, I, uh…”

 

Merlin only leaned closer, his concerned face looming so near that Arthur was afraid Merlin would hear his rapid heartbeat.

 

“Hey Merlin,” Gwaine called out and Arthur sagged with relief as Merlin turned to look at Gwaine.  Gwaine had changed out of his armour and behind him, Percival and Galahad stood waiting, both of them also dressed in common clothes.

 

“Of course, you’re with the King.” Gwaine said amusedly, almost too soft for Arthur to hear.

 

“Sire,” Gwaine said giving Arthur a nod before turning back to Merlin, arm casually slung across Merlin’s shoulders.  Arthur’s fingers twitched as he watched them and it was a close thing that Arthur didn’t pull Merlin away.   But when Gwaine looked at him, his eyes considering before giving Arthur a knowing smile, Arthur looked away.

 

Gwaine said, Arthur noting the amusement in his voice, “You said you wanted to go to the t---”

 

Merlin stumbled into Gwaine, stepping onto his foot, and Gwaine staggered back, cursing under his breath.

 

Arthur eyed Merlin sharply, but Merlin avoided his eyes as he pushed Gwaine along, “I never said that.  Off you go.”

 

“But---”

 

“Delusions, I think you’re having delusions.  You might want to see Gaius for that.”  Merlin said loudly as he turned back to Arthur.

 

“You were planning to go to the tavern, weren’t you?” Arthur asked shrewdly.  

 

“I don’t go to the tavern as much as you think I do.”

 

“I know, you already told me.”

 

Merlin fidgeted and Arthur wanted to reach out and steady him.  To make him stand still or pull him close, he wasn’t sure.

 

“You should go,” Arthur replied staring moodily at where the knights had been a moment before.

 

“But---”

 

“As long as you’re not being stupid, which I know for you is kind of difficult,” Arthur said, grinning at Merlin’s loud, “Hey!”

 

“You want to come?”

 

"No," he needed time to think.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay though?”

 

“I’m fine Merlin.”

 

“It’s not about Gwen, is it?” Merlin asked, his fingers hovering near Arthur’s elbow.

 

“No.” The pain and bitterness that once was there whenever he thought about Gwen had faded, healed over like a scar, “ I regret the way things ended, but I don’t regret that I loved her once.”

 

“I see,” Merlin said nodding, “Wait, don’t you mean--”

 

“Merlin” Arthur said impatiently as he stood up, “Don’t you have a tavern to go to?  Besides don’t expect me to allow this in the future.”

 

Merlin looked up at him, eyes thoughtful as he studied Arthur.  

 

After a moment, he murmured “Yes Sire,” as he stood up as well.

 

Heart heavy, Arthur watched as Merlin go and catch up with Gwaine and the others.  

 

::::

 

Later when he finally made it up to his chambers, Arthur almost stumbled when he noticed Merlin half-dozing and slumped at the table with a flagon of wine next to him.

 

He tried to be quiet, but accidentally kicked a bucket as he made his across the room.

 

“What took you so long?  I’ve been waiting for ages,” Merlin said sitting up, rubbing his face.  

 

“Weren’t you going to the tavern?” Arthur asked walking over, crossing his arms self-consciously.

 

Merlin stretched, and with a sharp intake of breath, Arthur realized that he wasn’t wearing his neckcloth.  He hurriedly dragged his eyes away from the long curve of Merlin's neck.

 

“It’s never been my thing, yeah?  Mostly was going because Gwaine said we should have a belated celebration of everything being back to normal.”

 

“Everything back to normal?  Things haven’t been normal since you arrived to Camelot” said Arthur amusedly as he pulled out a chair.

 

“You would’ve been bored if they had been normal,” Merlin retorted as he pushed the flagon towards Arthur.

 

Arthur gratefully took a swallow of wine, the bittersweet taste heavy on his tongue, before passing it back to Merlin.

 

Grinning back at him, eyes half-lidded as he tilted his head back Merlin drank.  Arthur felt his eyes drawn to the way Merlin’s adam’s apple jumped as he swallowed noisily and the way his lips stained red with wine.

 

 _This will be enough_ , Arthur thought as he leaned back in his chair listening to Merlin chat about the gossip he heard down in the kitchen. _If I can only have just this, it’ll be okay._

 

::::

 

For the most part, it was enough even if his heart ached whenever he watched Merlin smile at one of the kitchen maids or whenever Merlin was upset about another conservative decision on a magical case.  

 

“I’m trying my best,” Arthur said softly watching as Merlin mutter angrily beside him after another case earlier that day, “but even if my opinion has changed about magic, it’s going to take some time to make reforms.”

 

Merlin sighed, shoulders slumping as he turned to look at Arthur, “I know.  But--”

 

“At least, he’ll get a fair trial.  That’s a start at least.”

 

“Yeah. ”

 

It was taking more and more effort for Arthur not to reach across and comfort Merlin.  But if Arthur could credit at least one thing to his father, it was his stubbornness and unflinching resolve.  Even if he found himself stumbling at times.

 

“I’m not disappointed with you, you know,” Merlin said suddenly.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I know that this has been hard on you too.”

 

“Merlin---”

 

“No, wait---listen to me,” Merlin talked over him impatiently.

 

Arthur tilted his head looking at Merlin in askance, barely holding back, _When have I not listened to you?_

 

“You are a great king, Arthur.  And I’m happy to serve you as long as I live.  And that you are doing this is more than I ever expected,” Merlin said, his eyes steady and certain.

 

Arthur felt the weight of Merlin’s words, of his loyalty and it was a bittersweet kind of pain.  But he had told himself that this was okay as long as Merlin was close.

 

Awkwardly, Arthur reached to clasp Merlin’s arm, “Thank you.”

 

They walked quietly for a few minutes, before Arthur said, “Cheer up, I know you’re not up to serving at the fest tonight but I promise to leave as early as I can.”

 

Merlin gave him a sidelong glance, biting his bottom lip as he considered Arthur.  

 

Feeling self-conscious, Arthur nervously eyed their surroundings “What is it?”

 

“I--” Merlin started and to his surprise turned red, “It’s nothing,” he mumbled, “We’re going to be late if you keep on dawdling.”

 

“I wasn’t the one who insisted on changing my tunic three times.”

 

If it were possible, Merlin flushed darker, “It’s an important fest.”

 

Arthur shook his head, amused.

 

::::

 

The fest, to celebrate the particularly bountiful harvest that year was in full swing when Arthur rose to make his excuses.  Nodding his thanks and giving his excuses, he gestured to Merlin as he started to make his way out of the room.

 

With a thud, Arthur found himself pushed onto the ground, Merlin sprawled over him, gold eyes staring out into the crowd searching.

 

“What--” Arthur started.

 

“There’s an assassin,” Merlin said as Leon and the knights surrounded them.  Leon nodded to Galahad and three others to go find the assassin as rest of the chamber broke out in pandemonium.

 

“Merlin, your eyes,” Arthur hissed, pulling himself up, needing to look over at Merlin.

 

Merlin blinked and the gold faded, he looked over at Arthur worriedly, “Are you okay?”

 

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that,” Arthur said, fingers forcefully steady as he carefully started to look Merlin over.  

 

“I’m fine, I’m not hurt.”

 

Merlin tried to struggle, but stopped once he saw the look on Arthur’s face.

 

He stayed patiently still as Arthur searched him to see whether he was injured.  Arthur slumped, half-trembling when he realized the knife had completely missed Merlin.

 

“Arthur, hey, hey I’m okay,” Merlin said, his hands resting on Arthur’s arms as Arthur struggled to rein in his panic and anger.

 

“Sire,” Leon said interrupting them, “we found the culprit.”

 

“Put him in the dungeons under guard,” Arthur said, his voice angry.  Leon looked between Arthur and Merlin and took a half step back.

 

Getting up, Arthur walked furiously back to his room, Merlin right on his heels.

 

“Arthur, what’s the matter---” Merlin started once they entered Arthur’s chambers.

 

“Don’t ever do that again,” Arthur said, angry as he turned grabbing Merlin.

 

“What are you talking about?  If it’s about the magic, I’m sorry.  But I only saw him from the corner of my eyes and it was the first thing---”

 

“Don’t,” Arthur said softer this time, shoulders slumping as he turned away, “I don’t need you to protect me Merlin.”

 

“It’s my duty to protect---” Merlin.

 

“No it’s not!” Arthur said, whirling back on Merlin angrily.

 

“Arthur.”

 

“I can’t bear it. The thought of you dying---”

 

“Arthur---”

 

“No, just for once listen to me.  If something ever happened to you,” Arthur said voice breaking, fingers digging into Merlin’s arms.

 

“My life isn’t important as yours.”

 

“Don’t say that,” Arthur replied furiously, pressing Merlin against the wall, “not to me.  Your life is not less important than mine. It’s more important!  Without you, I couldn’t---”

 

“I don’t understand,” Merlin said looking back at Arthur in confusion, mouth turned down in a frown.

 

It was too easy, the fear and panic at the thought of losing Merlin, too easy to lean in and press his lips against Merlin.  The need to feel Merlin alive and breathing against him, the need to swallow every exhale and the feel the thrum of the fast-beating pulse at the curve of his neck.

 

It takes a moment for Arthur to realize what he was doing, of what he had done.  And another beat to realize that Merlin was standing stock still against him.  With the the sharp ache that he just lost everything after-all, Arthur started to pull back.  But insistent hands reached up to grab his shoulders to pull him back and with a sharp exhale, Merlin’s kissing him back.

 

Minutes later, still leaning close, Arthur looked at Merlin who despite the red cheeks was grinning back at him.

 

“I--” Arthur started.

 

“It’s alway been you.  Just took me longer to figure it out, that’s all,” Merlin said.

 

“Yeah, you’ve always been slow on the uptake,” Arthur mused in agreement.

 

“Yeah, well you should be flattered that someone is willing to put up with your prattish ways.”

 

“Shouldn’t it be that you should be flattered that the King of Camelot---” Arthur paused, “has look upon you in favor.”

 

“Is that what this is?” Merlin said quietly.

 

“No,” Arthur reached up to cup Merlin’s face, “No---I was serious.  If something were to happen to you--”

 

“And this?”

 

“This is whatever you want it to be.  Whatever we want it to be.”

 

“Merlin and Arthur?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“The High King and his Sorcerer?”

 

 _Or something more_ , Arthur thought as he leaned in again, whispering the yes against Merlin’s lips.  He didn’t have to hold back this time because they had time.  All the time in the world to figure it out.

 


End file.
